Wow. So maybe it's part of my own issues, or maybe I'm just not cut out for the modern world of social networking, but I get overwhelmed and allow certain forums to slide when there's too much on my plate. This time, Dreamwidth was the casualty, which included the vast amounts of RP I used to do on it.

I am, tentatively, making a comeback here.

( TLDR health and life stuff )

(Mirror post on blogger)

My parents came to visit, and now they're gone. I had a lot of fears, leading up to their visit, a lot of expectations, many of them not so good. I had a huge, looming, overwhelming anxiety over a specific conversation I've been putting off until I could see them in person, and now... I kinda miss them. The whole thing went a lot better than I expected.
There were no criticisms of our house, of our belongings. There were some unflattering personal comments made, here and there, but I'll let them slide. They gave me an iPad, which was wholly unexpected, and they gave me money with a promise of more to come in installments, which was... also unexpected. Part of me wonders where that gift was, when we were struggling and didn't always know where our next meal was coming from. I've only asked for money twice, once when my old '84 Chevy's transmission was shot, and once when my cat was in the midst of being diagnosed with cancer. They contributed money, in that first case, and a used transmission put my car back on the road. Maybe they were afraid, if they gave me money before, that I'd just spend it? Living in poverty is expensive. We're on an upswing in our lives, now, with enough money to relax a little and save up for things we'd like in our lives down the road. I'm not sure how clearly they understand the desperate period just a few years back, or the fact that in some ways we're still recovering. There's a lot of things I'm not sure they understand, and it's always been a struggle to relate my side of things to them. There was, this visit, a lot more listening than I expected or remember. There was still a lot of fear, from them, for me. There always has been.
A few people told me they could see my mother in me. I spent the whole visit realizing how much of my dad's speech habits and mannerisms I have, and how much I take after him. My own mother, when we were side by side in a public bathroom mirror, said she couldn't see what they were seeing, that I look like my father's side of the family. The last morning, she took a few last photos of me sitting on their hotel bed. I noticed my hair was doing this wave I keep trying to get rid of, in the pictures she took. She told me my father's hair had looked just like that, when they were first dating. She's still struggling with who I am, and the choices I've made in my life. My father still seems okay with it all, as long as I'm a good person. Some things haven't changed. They both said they wished I had a more successful life. I said that depends how you measure success. I've been with the same beautiful girl for fifteen years and intend to be with her the rest of my life. We're renting, now, but saving for a someday house. We're about to have our second year of a garden, bigger and better than last year. We have two cats (who both my parents quietly adored), and we have the things we need. We live frugally, not because we have to, but because our desires are pretty basic. I know who I am. More importantly, I feel free to be who I am.
That last one is not something I need their permission for, but it's nice to have it.

Made a new post on the 365 journal here, maybe a vague attempt at resurrecting it? Mostly it's a lot of rambling about recent art.

In other news, my parents are coming to visit. In about a week and a half, now. I don't know how I feel about this. A little terrified, because I haven't told them anything about being trans, yet. I wanted to do it in person. I wanted to do it in person a year and a half ago, when they last said they were going to visit, and then... didn't. Not sure how that's going to go.

Just so trired some nights and I wonder if going back to selling art and stuff at the farmer's market was a bad idea. Somebody asked me to make 20 bookmarks this week and I have made one, and a lot of failed messes, because I can't find time for much after coming home from ten hour workdays and eating dinner and crashing into bed, and I still need an ink cartridge to print more cards before Saturday morning and it's Thursday night already and just... fuck.

It feels like a stupid complaint but I’m just feeling super shitty that I have to work this Saturday. Been feeling really burned out even though I love my job, but I’ve been there about two years now with no vacation and I was looking forward to a three-day weekend at least, but now it’s not a three-day weekend, it’s just another weekend, and one that comes after a six-day workweek. I don’t know.

GF says I need to talk to the boss but there is literally nobody else there available/capable of doing my job for long enough for me to take a vacation, because we’re such a tiny place.

Anyways. Off to work. This doesn’t feel like much of a Friday, now.

I am thirty-five years old, employed and living independently many states away, which apart from the age has been true for over thirteen years now. I should not still be so deeply bothered by half the interactions I have with my parents, and yet… ( Read more... )

Just a random venting, but my car is having trouble again today. My car has been having trouble intermittently since September. FIVE. MONTHS. of trouble with this car. I’m losing track of how many hundreds of dollars we’ve poured into it and at least it hasn’t stalled out completely in a couple of months but the RPMs drop at random while I’m driving, and I’ve had enough stall-outs that destroyed plans and required hours of trouble and tow truck that now every time the engine hesitates and drags my heart thuds and keeps beating fast for the rest of the drive. Just driving anywhere at all has become a huge source of stress and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I don’t have the money to take it to the mechanics again only to have them fiddle around with it for a week, replace yet another part, get it back, and still have the same damn problem. I’ve already been through that several times.

Just… argh. I do not have the time, I do not have the money, and even when I gave up both it still didn’t fix the problem. Not sure what to do. Just needed to write that out I guess.

Just rambling to myself, the one problem with weekends is I get up early and end up wandering the internet looking at f2m stuff and thinking too much…( Read more... )

Wow, these pencils look great! I’ll just ink it and- whoops, didn’t mean for that line to go there… maybe I can fix that in photoshop… whoops, messed that part up too, maybe some white out… whoops, that line wasn’t supposed to…

aw fuckit. I guess maybe I shouldn’t ink that right now.

( Read more... )

I… don’t really know, either. Painted after Christmas in my new sketchbook. Centaur Claus. I’m not sure it’s even a good pun. Perhaps this will be my Christmas cards next year.