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Jan. 25th, 2014 08:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reymonkeyJust rambling to myself, the one problem with weekends is I get up early and end up wandering the internet looking at f2m stuff and thinking too much…
On the one hand I feel so amazingly impossibly lucky to have my gf. After thirteen years together I drop this on her, and she’s just completely cool and supportive to the point of ‘hey let’s go on a date you can wear your binder and makeup’, when I was in the shower the other day and asked if she could bring me underwear she brought me 2 pairs, one girl’s briefs and one boy shorts so I could pick whichever, and at night when I’m getting ready for bed and hit the just binder and jeans stage she said it was hot… I can’t even. She seems perfectly happy and in love whether I’m doing the boy thing, the girl thing, or something completely ambiguous between. We’d already figured out she’s bi more than lesbian, but damn I didn’t expect her to be so okay with all this.
On the other hand I’m not sure what to do or where to go with this realization about myself. My boss and coworkers are perfectly indifferent to my being a lesbian- we’ve had a few outings with employees+s.o. and they’re happy to have my gf along and it’s all just comfortably normal, but I’m not sure what they’d think of me turning cosmetically male. Then too I’m the front desk, the face of the business, and I can only see that being incredibly awkward with clients. I just don’t see myself as being in a position where I can do more than bind and put on makeup on the weekends, and leaving my job is very much not an option nor one I want to entertain. I love working at the vet, being around animals all day, and having coworkers that feel like family.
I see all these transguys though, with their top surgery and their T changes and I just feel indescribably jealous. I don’t want a dick. I am not a fan of dicks, honestly, but I don’t want my damn uterus either, or my boobs, and I lust for a real jawline and facial hair would be awesome, and hair elsewhere wouldn’t bother me. I haven’t shaved in years. I don’t even know if it would do that for me. It seems like everyone I see going through these transformations are teenagers, and that makes me jealous, too. How great to go through that at a time when you’re still growing and starting out on adulthood, and have it all sorted as you go into the working world. I don’t even know if T would make as much of a difference, at my age. I’ve already got wide hips and there’s no doing away with them, back when I was skinnier they were only more pronounced, so that’s not fat distribution, it’s skeletal. I feel so stuck, right now, and it hurts, and I’m not sure where to go from here. Maybe it’s good that doing anything beyond weekend dressing isn’t an option, but it makes it feel like cosplay, when what I want is to just… not be a girl.
Here’s hoping I will someday look back on this post and go ‘man those were some rough times, glad that’s over.’
On the one hand I feel so amazingly impossibly lucky to have my gf. After thirteen years together I drop this on her, and she’s just completely cool and supportive to the point of ‘hey let’s go on a date you can wear your binder and makeup’, when I was in the shower the other day and asked if she could bring me underwear she brought me 2 pairs, one girl’s briefs and one boy shorts so I could pick whichever, and at night when I’m getting ready for bed and hit the just binder and jeans stage she said it was hot… I can’t even. She seems perfectly happy and in love whether I’m doing the boy thing, the girl thing, or something completely ambiguous between. We’d already figured out she’s bi more than lesbian, but damn I didn’t expect her to be so okay with all this.
On the other hand I’m not sure what to do or where to go with this realization about myself. My boss and coworkers are perfectly indifferent to my being a lesbian- we’ve had a few outings with employees+s.o. and they’re happy to have my gf along and it’s all just comfortably normal, but I’m not sure what they’d think of me turning cosmetically male. Then too I’m the front desk, the face of the business, and I can only see that being incredibly awkward with clients. I just don’t see myself as being in a position where I can do more than bind and put on makeup on the weekends, and leaving my job is very much not an option nor one I want to entertain. I love working at the vet, being around animals all day, and having coworkers that feel like family.
I see all these transguys though, with their top surgery and their T changes and I just feel indescribably jealous. I don’t want a dick. I am not a fan of dicks, honestly, but I don’t want my damn uterus either, or my boobs, and I lust for a real jawline and facial hair would be awesome, and hair elsewhere wouldn’t bother me. I haven’t shaved in years. I don’t even know if it would do that for me. It seems like everyone I see going through these transformations are teenagers, and that makes me jealous, too. How great to go through that at a time when you’re still growing and starting out on adulthood, and have it all sorted as you go into the working world. I don’t even know if T would make as much of a difference, at my age. I’ve already got wide hips and there’s no doing away with them, back when I was skinnier they were only more pronounced, so that’s not fat distribution, it’s skeletal. I feel so stuck, right now, and it hurts, and I’m not sure where to go from here. Maybe it’s good that doing anything beyond weekend dressing isn’t an option, but it makes it feel like cosplay, when what I want is to just… not be a girl.
Here’s hoping I will someday look back on this post and go ‘man those were some rough times, glad that’s over.’
