reymonkey: (lisa discovers boys...)
GF is in an utterly toxic work environment. Can’t really do anything about it. We need the money, although she pointed out she did not go into student debt to be working a job that is not actually making use of her degree and isn’t earning enough to pay back the debt. I think she’s semi-giving up on her Bachelor’s because between the debt and the soul-crushing full time job… I dunno.

I don’t know what to do for her, and it sucks.
reymonkey: (fail)
I am thirty-five years old, employed and living independently many states away, which apart from the age has been true for over thirteen years now. I should not still be so deeply bothered by half the interactions I have with my parents, and yet… Read more... )


Feb. 22nd, 2014 08:13 pm
reymonkey: (piracy)
Just a random venting, but my car is having trouble again today. My car has been having trouble intermittently since September. FIVE. MONTHS. of trouble with this car. I’m losing track of how many hundreds of dollars we’ve poured into it and at least it hasn’t stalled out completely in a couple of months but the RPMs drop at random while I’m driving, and I’ve had enough stall-outs that destroyed plans and required hours of trouble and tow truck that now every time the engine hesitates and drags my heart thuds and keeps beating fast for the rest of the drive. Just driving anywhere at all has become a huge source of stress and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I don’t have the money to take it to the mechanics again only to have them fiddle around with it for a week, replace yet another part, get it back, and still have the same damn problem. I’ve already been through that several times.

Just… argh. I do not have the time, I do not have the money, and even when I gave up both it still didn’t fix the problem. Not sure what to do. Just needed to write that out I guess.
reymonkey: (fail)
Just rambling to myself, the one problem with weekends is I get up early and end up wandering the internet looking at f2m stuff and thinking too much…Read more... )


Dec. 7th, 2013 07:58 pm
reymonkey: (Meatballs of Doom)
Things that are happening way more frequently in my life than is reasonable:

* My car stalling out and having to be hauled to the mechanic (3X in 2 months).
* My period (Had only 1 week off between week-long bleeding sessions).

That is all.
reymonkey: (Just me)
My father-in-law, the same man who I only refer to as such out of his earshot because he does not even want to hear that we’re lesbians, the man who we think accepted that he’d rather have a daughter in law he likes than a son in law he doesn’t, but who never ever wants to acknowledge his daughter is a lesbian, tonight gave me lessons on a windsor knot with one of his neckties.

He knows it’s for my Halloween costume, but it also sort of makes me wonder if I should have switched out my chest binder for the bra before going over there, or if I should see if he’d be okay with a daughter in law who could also be a son in law…
reymonkey: (Kermy spaz)
I think I am going to have to accept that I just cannot physically finish my entry for the SPG haunted House in time.

I will not cry.

This week I am: Moving house, largely by myself even though we are both moving. Working full time and extra hours because it has been insane busy. Trying to finish my Halloween costume. Trying to get ready for the holiday Farmer’s Market. Having a birthday, I think… and possibly crashing or exploding or something because I physically can’t do everything I need to get done no matter how much coffee I drink.
reymonkey: (My coffee)
Sooo… breaking out all over my face, now. Guess I was allergic to the silver make-up after all.

In other news though, today I wore the chestbinder almost all day, and went out in public in it for the first time. I guess this is me admitting I didn’t just get it for the cosplay.
reymonkey: (lisa discovers boys...)
From Tumblr post here

I genuinely do not wear make-up except for special occasions (I am allergic to some of it), and I don’t feel like I’m beautiful or hideous, just average, so I guess I’m lucky there. What I remember among the many enriching comments my mother has made over the years, though, are how she told me a few times I ‘could be so pretty, if I’d just wear a little make-up’.

I had the presence of mind, even as a teenager, to ask her if she was telling me I was ugly without it. She just got flustered and apologetic, but in light of this her comment makes more sense now. Not that I agree with it.

I think maybe stuff like this is could go on the list of what makes me shy away from femininity so often. I’m still trying to work out if I’m ‘gender-fluid’ or what, with my ‘guy brain’ and my lack of comprehension of so much of what it’s supposed to mean to be a woman. It’s always bugged me right from an incredibly early age that so much of how women are expected to act is a big bag of lying. Women are expected to be deceitful. We’re supposed to wear a false face, use sexual attractiveness or false emotions to manipulate, to lie to make everyone around us feel better about themselves. It’s early and I haven’t had coffee yet so I may not be phrasing this well, but from the age of ten or so I cued in to these ideas, and I feel like it created a wedge that’s driven me toward being ‘one of the guys’ ever since. Every lesson my mother taught me in what it means to be a woman made me want to be one less and less. And that’s worth paying attention to.
reymonkey: (fail)
I keep having dreams about men who are ostensibly official repair.workmen coming to my private residence while I’m asleep and ogling me naked. This is really starting to creep me out, because it’s such a realistic scenario and one that would occur while I’m asleep… and I keep dreaming it, so then I wake up feeling shaky and violated in my own bed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
reymonkey: (lisa discovers boys...)
This last weekend, Bridgie and I were talking, and decided that I probably fall under the label 'gender fluid'. Of course I also fall under the bigger heading 'lesbian' but I knew that one already, because it gets more press.
On the one hand, I am certainly no different a person than I was last week. for as long as I can remember, I've struggled a little to figure out where I fit, in gender. I've repeatedly been voted 'one of the guys', I'm often more comfortable hanging out with men, in some ways I think 'like a man', and there are a lot of stereotypical girl things I'm uncomfortable with. I don't just mean the color pink, and giggling over cute guys (see above: lesbian). In groups of women only, the conversation often drifts to topics I feel utterly lost and awkward with, and ways of thinking I cannot comprehend. On the other end of the spectrum, I think male genitals are ridiculous, and I understand the male role in our culture enough to know there are some aspects of what's expected that I wouldn't want to get into. I like being able to be a part of that female mystery and feminine power. I like being the 'one of the guys' that is, in fact, a chick. If I were male, being one of the guys wouldn't even be a thing, just a default. I think being a lesbian, and in the relationship I'm in, works so well for me in part because Bridgie allows me to take on a lot of traditionally male roles and behaviors, without compromising my access to the feminine. (and those of you who don't know me well enough, don't try to tell me I don't know better because I've been on the other side, with a man for 5 years, at least 2 of them sexually. It just didn't fit me.)
So, gender fluid, this is a thing.

Now on the other hand, the fact that I looked for and found a label for this is, in a strange way, bugging me a little. I am the same person I was yesterday, and will be tomorrow. The only reason I went looking for and applied this label to myself was because I was discussing with Bridgie about just how many labels there are out there now. Transgender. Transexual. Gay, lesbian, bi. Asexual, polysexual, and the list goes on. Now I understand that it's a very human thing to seek to code and classify our world. We apply taxonomy to understand the world around us and ourselves, coming up with newer labels every time we discover the limitations of the old ones. As a person of non-standard gender/sexuality, I feel this obligation to be on the lowdown with all the new and ever-evolving terminology to describe it, but instead, I feel... even more lost. I don't know what half of these terms mean. Even when I go try to research and educate myself, I just end up floundering.
When I was younger, before I was through puberty even, I once approached my mother and told her I thought I was attracted to girls (she told me that I didn't know what I was talking about, of course). As a little kid I liked Transformers and He-Man, and took ballet. In my games I emulated male heroes, and as I grew and learned this was not just because female heroes were in short supply, but because I recognized that male and female heroes/heroines were perceived differently. My mother even tells the story of a moment on the kindergarten playground, where I informed my teacher that I was being a boy t-rex. When she asked why a boy, I informed her 'I don't lay eggs'. I haven't changed (much to my mother's disappointment, as being an only child, I have dashed her hopes for grandchildren).
I am still that person, the difference is, before I knew all these labels for who I am existed, I was in fact still okay with who I am. Maybe I'm just lucky or unusual for that, and maybe I'm missing the point, but the thing is all that mattered to me before was who I was, and what I liked. These things didn't put me into any category or box or group, they were just... who I am, and what I like.
I'm not trying to diss anybody who wants a label for themselves, and maybe some people need that to figure themselves out or feel accepted for who they are, and that's fine. I guess just a part of me wishes we could get past a point of applying all these terms- too many even for somebody who supposedly should fit into them to comprehend, and just call everybody what they are.
People who like what they like, and are who they are, and don't need to answer to anybody else for it.


reymonkey: (Default)

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